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Monday, February 19, 2007

A hockey joke that only a Canadian could appreciate!

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto,
when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the
other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and
twists, breaking the dog's neck...
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over
to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend from Vicious
animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs
fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I
just assumed you were" said the reporter and starts again. "Little
Jays Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he continued writing
in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed
everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or a Jays fan. What team do
you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan."
the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and
writes, "Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family
Pet."

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

NEW FORM OF KIDNAPPING
Please take a minute to read this. This is very scary and could
happen to any of us.. Seems like every nice thing people do for one
another can be perverted. A new twist on kidnapping from a very smart
survivor:
About a month ago there was a woman standing by the mall entrance
passing out flyers to all the women going in. The woman had written
the flyer herself to tell about an experience she had, so that she
might warn other women. The previous day, this woman had finished
shopping, went out to her car and discovered that she had a flat.
She got the jack out of the trunk and began to change the flat. A
nice man dressed in a business suit and carrying a briefcase walked
up to her and said, "I noticed you're changing a flat tire.
Would you like me to take care of it for you?" The woman was
Grateful for his offer and accepted his help.
They chatted amiably while the man changed the flat, and then put
the flat tire and the jack in the trunk, shut it and dusted his
hands off..
The woman thanked him profusely, and as she was about to get in
her car, the man told her that he left his car around on the other
side of the mall, and asked if she would mind giving him a lift
to his car.
She was a little surprised and she asked him why his car was on
other side.
He explained that he had seen an old friend in the mall that he
hadn't seen for some time and they had a bite to eat, visited
for a while, and he got turned around in the mall and left through the
wrong exit, and now he was running late.. The woman hated to tell
him "no" because he had just rescued her from having to change her
flat tire all by herself, but she felt uneasy. (Trust that gut feeling!)

Then she remembered seeing the man put his briefcase in her trunk
before shutting it and before he asked her for a ride to his car.
She told him that she'd be happy to drive him around to his car,
But she just remembered one last thing she needed to buy.
(Smart woman!!)
She said she would only be a few minutes; he could sit down in
her car and wait for her; she would be as quick as she could be.
She hurried into the mall, and told a security guard what had
happened, the guard came out to her car with her, but the man had
left. They opened the trunk, took out his locked briefcase and
took it down to the police station.
The police opened it (ostensibly to look for ID so they could
return it to the man). What they found was rope, duct tape, and
knives. When the police checked her "flat" tire, there was nothing
wrong with it; the air had simply been let out. It was obvious
what the man's intention was, and obvious that he had carefully
thought it out in advance. The woman was blessed to have escaped
harm. (Amen?thank you, God!)
How much worse it would have been if she had children with her and
had them wait in the car while the man fixed the tire, or if she
had a baby strapped into a car seat? Or if she'd gone against her
judgment and given him a lift?

Fuck Valentines day

I was forced to sign up for the new blogger... I feel the burn..

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am A walk in
the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! Heavenly!
11:00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily
Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash
or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up
my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape..
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The
audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement
for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The
bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so
he is safe....... For now....

Email Fun

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story
about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so
it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty
enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

Hahahaha Go figure

What type of person do you attract?
Your Result: You attract unstable people!

Congrats, you are an 'insane' magnet, and you probably have no idea why. Something about your mix of styles, how you walk not just 'one' lifestyle, but appear to have a foot in them all. To the insane, you appear to be a beacon of hope and they will flock to you, like it or not. But, they ARE insane. Lucky for you, the insane tend to be the best sexual lovers, just the rest of the package deal may not be for you.

You attract Yuppies!
You attract artsy people!
You attract geeks!
You attract rednecks!
You attract models!
What type of person do you attract?
Quizzes for MySpace




A yuppie is....
You attract the very well-dressed, job oriented type of people. They usually have their finances together, are 'middle of the road' on most topics, generally happy with the 'main-stream' of things. If it is stability you are after, these are good people to attract, if you seek adventure, it may be time for an overhaul.

Hopefully I end up with my runner up!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

I get this alot from these things.. Maybe I should take that as a hint?

Your Hidden Talent

You have the power to persuade and influence others.
You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around.
The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it.
Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think!

My livingroom is yellow...Ma bedroom is purple

You Should Paint Your Room Yellow

Bright and bold, yellow is truly the color of inspiration.
Your yellow room will drive you to think clearly, develop new ideas, and be organized.
Yellow is also energizing and very powerful. So don't expect to rest in there!

I got excited when reading the washing with soap part hahahha I am a pig

Your Mind is NC-17 Rated

You're mind is so filthy... you should should be washing every part of you out with soap.
If your thoughts can go dirty, they do. Almost everything is NC-17 to you!

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